I am not good at many things. Surprisingly, given my job, other people's stress is the number one thing at which I am not good. I work in a social service environment. My job, the department and the agency I work for, exist to handle/assist/serve the lives of people who are by definition (poor) stressed out.
So why, in my personal life is this such an issue? There are those who would say it is because of my job. But in truth, I would have to counter, that I have always been like this. I am, at heart, a people pleaser. Stressed out people are not pleased.
By the way, I'm engaged.
My botrothed (I like that word) is under a surprising amount of stress, not related to our relationship. Though certainly "in addition to" our new engagement and the unknown future, commitment thus now made, lives. Neither he nor I am handling that well.
I have a beautiful ring and the promise of a beautiful future.
I am prone to want to runaway though. Run from the stress. Thus I am easily enraged. Because then I have a reason to run. Not that I have anywhere to go. But it is just in flight, there is freedom and relief from the stress. Help us all.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Enjoying my life
I have not been in a blogging mood. I am busy having fun in my personal life and work is going well so computer time is not a high priority. As such, today's blog is just to say I have corrected the spelling errors in my February post/rant. (And will now double check the spelling in this post.)
Hope everyone is enjoying spring!
Hope everyone is enjoying spring!
Monday, February 22, 2010
A reminder of why cynicism
I've had my job for 10 and 1/2 years. 2080 hours times 10.5. Maybe I will do the math later. I can honestly say that I have worked more than just hard 99% of the time. I used to love my job. I worked all the time because I enjoyed what I did. Now, I'm not so sure. I am a manager now. Management. And while I still believe in the mission of my office, I never get the joy of completing the mission. My charge is to oversee that it gets done. That is just a lot of paperwork. And another part that I have such a hard time describing.
My job is also to answer to the Executive Director. She calls me into her office and tells me, menacingly, "I don't know what goes on over there." First, let me explain where "over there" is, in another building less than 50 feet away from her office. So, three thoughts enter my head simultaneously whenever she says that sentence, which she does surprisingly often. Three thoughts simultaneously may not be much but as a shrug of my shoulders is the only physical manifestation of these thoughts, it is a bit of an explosion in my head. My first thought is generally, "That's not my fault." My second is "thank god!" And the third is that we must not be doing too bad of a job then. Later it is an explosion in my heart.
I have put so much into my job. As I imagine an artist might. I don't necessarily think this is unique. I'm sure lots of people love and nurture their jobs as I have. I even think my boss probably did/does. She, however, reports to a Board of Directors, that rarely if ever, offers a criticism of the things she has so diligently, and perhaps lovingly, done. Thus, when she persists in bombarding me with useless and misdirected directives IT IS PAINFUL. And despite that I know better, IT FEELS VERY PERSONAL. After all, I've worked for more than ten years at my job and I feel like I've earned a little trust, praise or something that I AM NEVER GOING TO GET.
But it's just work right?
My job is also to answer to the Executive Director. She calls me into her office and tells me, menacingly, "I don't know what goes on over there." First, let me explain where "over there" is, in another building less than 50 feet away from her office. So, three thoughts enter my head simultaneously whenever she says that sentence, which she does surprisingly often. Three thoughts simultaneously may not be much but as a shrug of my shoulders is the only physical manifestation of these thoughts, it is a bit of an explosion in my head. My first thought is generally, "That's not my fault." My second is "thank god!" And the third is that we must not be doing too bad of a job then. Later it is an explosion in my heart.
I have put so much into my job. As I imagine an artist might. I don't necessarily think this is unique. I'm sure lots of people love and nurture their jobs as I have. I even think my boss probably did/does. She, however, reports to a Board of Directors, that rarely if ever, offers a criticism of the things she has so diligently, and perhaps lovingly, done. Thus, when she persists in bombarding me with useless and misdirected directives IT IS PAINFUL. And despite that I know better, IT FEELS VERY PERSONAL. After all, I've worked for more than ten years at my job and I feel like I've earned a little trust, praise or something that I AM NEVER GOING TO GET.
But it's just work right?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
A very long winter
There has been snow, clouds and gray on the ground and in the air since Christmas Eve. And again today, there is snow, ice and gray.
I am grateful everyday for the state of bliss I am currently living in because if not for that, I'd probably be suicidal from the very long winter.
I gave a eulogy last week for a man I'd known about 14 years. He was a retired professor and I met him and his wife through a political party. I love this couple. I am always laughing when I am with them. We frequently shared large doses of irony and cynicism. However, my eulogy mainly spoke of his optimism. He was far more optimistic than I and at the end of the eulogy, I pledged to try to be more optimistic.
But the drudge of this winter.....
Truthfully, though, I have had a delightful winter and due to the joy in my heart, I may have to change the title of my blog to "Congruous and Optimistic" which is not nearly as fun.
I am grateful everyday for the state of bliss I am currently living in because if not for that, I'd probably be suicidal from the very long winter.
I gave a eulogy last week for a man I'd known about 14 years. He was a retired professor and I met him and his wife through a political party. I love this couple. I am always laughing when I am with them. We frequently shared large doses of irony and cynicism. However, my eulogy mainly spoke of his optimism. He was far more optimistic than I and at the end of the eulogy, I pledged to try to be more optimistic.
But the drudge of this winter.....
Truthfully, though, I have had a delightful winter and due to the joy in my heart, I may have to change the title of my blog to "Congruous and Optimistic" which is not nearly as fun.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Pain and Pleasure
Happy 2010!
In hindsight, 2009 offered all of the emotion you would want to experience in any given year; hope, renewal, disappointment, grief, change, and again, hope. I started the year with a framed mantra - laughter, gratitude, patience and joy - and the year ended on the best of these - laughter and joy.
May your next year offer you all things charmed.
In hindsight, 2009 offered all of the emotion you would want to experience in any given year; hope, renewal, disappointment, grief, change, and again, hope. I started the year with a framed mantra - laughter, gratitude, patience and joy - and the year ended on the best of these - laughter and joy.
May your next year offer you all things charmed.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Holidays
This year the holidays are going to be different for a few reasons. Tis the season for a reason... I do like rhymes. Anyway....
Thanksgiving is going to be spent at my mom's. Given all of the normal family issues, it will actually not be very different.
But Christmas is another story.
There are no small children. In fact, there are only adults. 18 and 24 are not fun ages to buy for. I miss the days of sitting with my friends and planning our holidays. In our efforts to teach the children cross-cultural traditions, we, very irreverently, had tamales on the first night of Hanukkah.
I am in a different house, by myself, and all of the Christmas decorations are in storage. Now I LOVE Christmas. But it will be hard to get all of the stuff out and decorate all by myself. I think there maybe a new tradition to work in here somewhere. One in which I invite my friends over, ply them with food and then give them alcohol and tinsel.
In past years, the family schedule varied little. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at Grandma Judy's was almost always standard , and Christmas Day at my mom's or if she was out of town, then it was Christmas at her house on the 26th. We always tried to fit Grumps and Myra in early but sometimes the whole holiday was spent in Maryland or Missouri. We were always with grandparents and rarely in our own home on Christmas.
This year will also be different because of the divorce. Just recently, the children (18 and 24) asked what we were doing for Christmas. I told them that it would be the same plan as always. In fact the parenting plan from the divorce states that the 18 year old is required to spend the holidays with her grandparents until further notice. (A nice coup on my part I think.)
In reality, I think the holidays will be hardest on the adults who will sense the awkward, readjustment they are facing as old relationships have grown cold and new ones are starting. Ours was always a "blended" family and on more than one occasion, there were at least two if not three ex-spouses and new spouses all in the same room and having a good time. I hope that we are graceful enough to bridge the gap as well.
I love Christmas. I drag those surrounding me into the fray as well, with Secret Santa at work and my annoying cheerful, enthusiasm for Christmas music, books and videos (all AFTER Thanksgiving of course). When my marriage was so bad, there were a few bad holidays. But, despite all the changes, I am getting very excited about this Christmas and plan on having a rousing, good time.
Thanksgiving is going to be spent at my mom's. Given all of the normal family issues, it will actually not be very different.
But Christmas is another story.
There are no small children. In fact, there are only adults. 18 and 24 are not fun ages to buy for. I miss the days of sitting with my friends and planning our holidays. In our efforts to teach the children cross-cultural traditions, we, very irreverently, had tamales on the first night of Hanukkah.
I am in a different house, by myself, and all of the Christmas decorations are in storage. Now I LOVE Christmas. But it will be hard to get all of the stuff out and decorate all by myself. I think there maybe a new tradition to work in here somewhere. One in which I invite my friends over, ply them with food and then give them alcohol and tinsel.
In past years, the family schedule varied little. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at Grandma Judy's was almost always standard , and Christmas Day at my mom's or if she was out of town, then it was Christmas at her house on the 26th. We always tried to fit Grumps and Myra in early but sometimes the whole holiday was spent in Maryland or Missouri. We were always with grandparents and rarely in our own home on Christmas.
This year will also be different because of the divorce. Just recently, the children (18 and 24) asked what we were doing for Christmas. I told them that it would be the same plan as always. In fact the parenting plan from the divorce states that the 18 year old is required to spend the holidays with her grandparents until further notice. (A nice coup on my part I think.)
In reality, I think the holidays will be hardest on the adults who will sense the awkward, readjustment they are facing as old relationships have grown cold and new ones are starting. Ours was always a "blended" family and on more than one occasion, there were at least two if not three ex-spouses and new spouses all in the same room and having a good time. I hope that we are graceful enough to bridge the gap as well.
I love Christmas. I drag those surrounding me into the fray as well, with Secret Santa at work and my annoying cheerful, enthusiasm for Christmas music, books and videos (all AFTER Thanksgiving of course). When my marriage was so bad, there were a few bad holidays. But, despite all the changes, I am getting very excited about this Christmas and plan on having a rousing, good time.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Thursday night
I would like to note that the moon was full on Monday at 19:14 Universal Time. And as far as I can tell, spent the next 48 hours, still full.
Tuesday sucked also. Wednesday not so much and it ended very well. Thursday's been good and I would like to say that brings me to the end of my very long 4-day work week but, no. I have to work tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)