Engaged and Enraged

I am not good at many things. Surprisingly, given my job, other people's stress is the number one thing at which I am not good. I work in a social service environment. My job, the department and the agency I work for, exist to handle/assist/serve the lives of people who are by definition (poor) stressed out.

So why, in my personal life is this such an issue? There are those who would say it is because of my job. But in truth, I would have to counter, that I have always been like this. I am, at heart, a people pleaser. Stressed out people are not pleased.

By the way, I'm engaged.

My botrothed (I like that word) is under a surprising amount of stress, not related to our relationship. Though certainly "in addition to" our new engagement and the unknown future, commitment thus now made, lives. Neither he nor I am handling that well.

I have a beautiful ring and the promise of a beautiful future.

I am prone to want to runaway though. Run from the stress. Thus I am easily enraged. Because then I have a reason to run. Not that I have anywhere to go. But it is just in flight, there is freedom and relief from the stress. Help us all.

Enjoying my life

I have not been in a blogging mood. I am busy having fun in my personal life and work is going well so computer time is not a high priority. As such, today's blog is just to say I have corrected the spelling errors in my February post/rant. (And will now double check the spelling in this post.)

Hope everyone is enjoying spring!

A reminder of why cynicism

I've had my job for 10 and 1/2 years. 2080 hours times 10.5. Maybe I will do the math later. I can honestly say that I have worked more than just hard 99% of the time. I used to love my job. I worked all the time because I enjoyed what I did. Now, I'm not so sure. I am a manager now. Management. And while I still believe in the mission of my office, I never get the joy of completing the mission. My charge is to oversee that it gets done. That is just a lot of paperwork. And another part that I have such a hard time describing.

My job is also to answer to the Executive Director. She calls me into her office and tells me, menacingly, "I don't know what goes on over there." First, let me explain where "over there" is, in another building less than 50 feet away from her office. So, three thoughts enter my head simultaneously whenever she says that sentence, which she does surprisingly often. Three thoughts simultaneously may not be much but as a shrug of my shoulders is the only physical manifestation of these thoughts, it is a bit of an explosion in my head. My first thought is generally, "That's not my fault." My second is "thank god!" And the third is that we must not be doing too bad of a job then. Later it is an explosion in my heart.

I have put so much into my job. As I imagine an artist might. I don't necessarily think this is unique. I'm sure lots of people love and nurture their jobs as I have. I even think my boss probably did/does. She, however, reports to a Board of Directors, that rarely if ever, offers a criticism of the things she has so diligently, and perhaps lovingly, done. Thus, when she persists in bombarding me with useless and misdirected directives IT IS PAINFUL. And despite that I know better, IT FEELS VERY PERSONAL. After all, I've worked for more than ten years at my job and I feel like I've earned a little trust, praise or something that I AM NEVER GOING TO GET.

But it's just work right?

A very long winter

There has been snow, clouds and gray on the ground and in the air since Christmas Eve. And again today, there is snow, ice and gray.

I am grateful everyday for the state of bliss I am currently living in because if not for that, I'd probably be suicidal from the very long winter.

I gave a eulogy last week for a man I'd known about 14 years. He was a retired professor and I met him and his wife through a political party. I love this couple. I am always laughing when I am with them. We frequently shared large doses of irony and cynicism. However, my eulogy mainly spoke of his optimism. He was far more optimistic than I and at the end of the eulogy, I pledged to try to be more optimistic.

But the drudge of this winter.....

Truthfully, though, I have had a delightful winter and due to the joy in my heart, I may have to change the title of my blog to "Congruous and Optimistic" which is not nearly as fun.

Pain and Pleasure

Happy 2010!

In hindsight, 2009 offered all of the emotion you would want to experience in any given year; hope, renewal, disappointment, grief, change, and again, hope. I started the year with a framed mantra - laughter, gratitude, patience and joy - and the year ended on the best of these - laughter and joy.

May your next year offer you all things charmed.